Magnesium!

Apologies

2006-09-30T21:43:00.000+08:00

This blog has been abandoned for eons, huge apologies to it. Things have been wildly hectic and let's just say I've been pretty messed up over it. Right now everything is a complete confusion but perhaps that's good you know? The truth can be so bitter and biting at times. So perhaps this oblivious mindstate is actually protecting me from a lot of hurt.

I'm not sure what I really want now, what I should do next or how to manage things. It feels though as I'm carefully treading on glass, afraid that it'll shatter and I'll have nothing underneath to catch me. I know that God's there to catch me all the time but somehow, the fear's still so existant and so real that I feel so guilty. I just keep thinking that if I have more faith in him, this fear would go away.

So I tried to keep it all together but I'm just realising that this isn't working. I don't know what to do about things, about meeting expectations. And I think one reason why I avoid Literature sometimes is because some of things in there scares me, about how it seems to reflect what I'm thinking. It's stupid really, about how cowardly I'm being about facing the truth full blast in the face. God's trying to make me move, he really is.

He's making me more active in a LOT of things and that's really an obvious sign that says, "You can't just stay stagnant here. There are so many things waiting for you to do." But I'm being a wimp and attempting to cling on to what's reliable when what he wants is for me to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things that I'm scared of. To face my fears so that he can show me how He can erase those fears, so that I can realise the magnitude of His power. But I'm scared. And that's keeping me in this state.

Tired

2006-08-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

How can these phrases so accurately express what I'm thinking?

You are the centre of it all,
The universe declares in awe
Your majesty
I surrender all
I make you
The centre of my life Lord,
I respond with all I am
you placed in me the song
Of heavens melody
Your Majesty I live to sing Your song

I've made this commitment to Catwalk His Way, to be a testimonial to the world of Jesus's amazing power and grace. I want to be a light that lights up the darkness, to bring more people to know Him. I don't want to wait until He comes back and I see the people I love suffering then regret that I never made the effort. The last days are going to be filled with fear and tragedy. I don't want to be caught by surprise, I want to be ready for his coming back so that when He descends from the heavens, I can say proudly, "I know who you are."

I have been so tired of things lately and today was a real spiritual refreshment for me. It encouraged me to make a difference in my Christian life starting from today and I'm going to make the effort. I need to buck up on studies because I need to be an example. I have to continue to diligently keep the school rules because that's what being an example is. The world might rebuke you, thinking of you as the goody-two-shoes in the corner but they don't matter. What matters is that what you're doing is pleasing in the eyes of God.

Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. We will face persecution from the world and discrimination but to suffer for God's name, it should be an honour to us. If we truly love Him, then we wouldn't feel the pain. After all, love will give us the courage and strength. I don't want to go along with the flow anymore. I want to change, to be someone God's proud of.

I love you God.

SUPER!

2006-07-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

Superwoman Andrea hits the keyboard! This week has been a fantastic week despite failing Maths terribly and getting two pretty bruises on my legs. My walk with God has been tested and really improved ever since we took over because the task has been pressurising and caused me to rely a whole lot more on God because I realise I need the courage from him to carry this responsibility. God has been doing a lot of wonders in my life recently and it's motivated me to keep pressing on in life, because with Him around, everything's possible!

Despite having survived on 3 hours of sleep on average this week, I've been amazingly alert in classes and that's really a miracle, thank God for the strength. (: Still have a lot of Math to accomplish now but somehow I feel real motivated to complete it! This week, I've learnt to rely more on His strength instead of mine. With so many things increasingly being piled on, I've realised how limited I am and how much I cannot cope by myself. It's led me to trust Him, to believe that He'll help me to pull through. Now THAT'S faith.

But thank you God for this test, every second is worth it.

I feel as though He's close to me like this, when everyone in my family is sleep and I'm the only one up. A music video playing softly in the background, books sprawled around the table with worksheets in respective piles. Ice Berry (my soft toy) snuggled in my lap as I cross my legs, it feels so right. (: It feels as though He's peeking over my shoulder, watching my every moment and offering comfort as I attempt to finish drawing graphs. It's just a moment that strikes me now, something so usual yet...perfect? I'm not sure but it comes off to me as a presence of God, like a Father protecting his daughter.

Life

2006-07-09T19:52:00.000+08:00

This life is worth living. My newest quote of motivation, one that keeps me going. No matter how tired I am, how frustrated I get, how stressed the world makes me, it's all worth it. Because I'm not living this life for me, it's to be a living testimony for Him. And that makes it worthwhile.

Karma

2006-06-24T23:51:00.000+08:00

The ghost of karma has left a trail behind. I was gleefully planning to pon SYF on Friday due to my conscience being killed my tiredness caused by consecutive camps and I should have known better because karma got back on me on Friday with an ugly bout of flu. ): I'm sorry God, please forgive me and take it away?

It's terribly hard trying to do Math while your mind is all fogged up with heat and there's this itchy scratchy feeling in the back of your throat you're trying to control and your eyes keep wanting to flutter shut into a much-needed rest. Instead you're pushing your body beyond its limits, plodding on quietly and painfully with holiday homework, feeling the ache in your muscles and the resistance you're facing mentally.

Why must it be so hard to get holiday homework done? And where have the holidays gone? I've been at camp after camp, SYF, speech trainings, short holidays and that has left me with less than 4 days to complete the entire month worth of holiday homework. How optimistic that sounds. So keep me in prayer will you and wish this karma away. (:

camping woman

2006-06-15T18:55:00.000+08:00

NCOPC starts tomorrow and I'm being brutally frank here, I do not want to go at all. Seriously, I'm just being so pessimistic about it although I have repeatedly tried to convince myself that it won't be so bad. And Mdm Lim is probably going to execute me on the spot after Mrs Rupa talks to her about Speech Training. Have I told you I really don't like talking to teachers because they have these double edged daggers hidden within them, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I know it was kind of last minute when I decided TODAY (oh shoot me) that I wanted to go for the Speech Training, which will cut into NP sessions but it was only after the session that I realised this was something I WANTED to do, something I can really put my heart into. Because this is something I'm actually decent at, that I have somewhat confidence at doing well, so I should be more committed to it.

Perhaps I'll be scolded upside down and inside out for this but I won't regret giving it a shot because...it's something I really value. But I suppose teachers will never understand will they? They'll just call me last minute and irresponsible, fickle-minded and so on. But who cares? I don't value their opinion much anyway. (:

Raisemeup

2006-05-23T19:41:00.000+08:00

Another big commitment coming in, which is speech training. I suppose it's good news, meaning God is utilizing me for his purpose. (: That alone makes me feel real honoured. Have been a lot more realistic towards my life lately and the feeling is unexplainable, somewhat otherworldly. I've come to really understand how trivial life can be and how happiness isn't measured by the amount of money you have, the accomplishments you make or how many friends you have.

Popularity is something I used to think was a glamarous affair and I envied those who seemed to bask in the limelight, knowing I wasn't those kind of individualistic personalities. But now, I don't envy those people anymore because for the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely happy with what I have now.

Steadfast, loyal friends who stand by me when I'm down. A great, loving God who I can always rely on in all circumstances. A great family that is very supportive and as dramatic and humorous as a soap opera cum comedy, having the most hilarious family vacations that occasionally involve outrageously expensive cab fares due to our tendency to go off-track. With so many blessings, what more can I ask for?

I will never be good in NPCC, that I confess. Don't give me false hope like, "You can do it next time." or "I'm sure you'll pass." It's not giving up on NPCC, I've just come to accept it for what it is and simply treasure what memories I build with it.There's a huge difference between giving up and acceptance. But to get on with life we need to accept such critical facts and I just have. It's made me feel a lot better, that I can proudly confess to the world, "I'm not good in NPCC but that doesn't make it love it any less." Who says you need to be good in something for you to love it? (:

But it has been a really good week and my parent's cold war soap opera has just ended (thank you God!) and things are back to its normal light hearted mood, which is simply delightful. And my entries are nowhere near a "complicated mass of incomprehensible, difficult English", it's not that tough to understand, is it?

MODEL UNITED NATIONS! (((:

2006-05-20T15:31:00.000+08:00

Let's take a breather to absorb this news.
I'm just over the acceptance stage as shock settles in.
MODEL UNITED NATIONS! (:
Selected to participate in it, a big big surprise.
Thought I would never have the calibre or opportunity.
It's a huge commitment for the rest of the year but woah.
At the same time, it's a really great new experience.
My parents have patched up from their quarrel.
And are behind me 100 percent for this.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. (:
They're covering the entire cost that we have to pay.
Thank you mum and dad. It means a lot, really.
God is great, wonderful and awesome.
Bye bye rainy days, here comes the sunshine!

I'm so jealous, YOU'RE 15

2006-05-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THAM JIE EN! (:
You've turned FIFTEEN today!
So jealous, you can get a nice new IC already ):
Then you can go rent all the drama serials
While I'll be viewing them in the shop window
And being a mopey woman at home
But I STILL LOVE YOU! (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR!

The power of Goodbye

2006-05-09T19:48:00.000+08:00

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it wont be long
Do you wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

I suppose I really must learn to let go of the past and move on. Let the past become a mirage of memories, not part of my current existance. Not rely on the past for courage, faith and strength. But lately things have improved and I've been much cheerier, despite the fact that it's during the exam period. Suddenly, I've found lightning to be one of the most beautiful forms of creation. The way it crackles across the sky, so threatening yet brilliantly white, as though reaching out its arms to embrace the darkness. I find its unpredictability a thrill, that its beauty can light up the night in a sudden flash. That is completely random right now but lightning's flashing across the sky right now so the thought just occured. A Math is waiting for me patiently on the table so I shall devote my attention to it now.

Thrice Over

2006-05-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

Want to extend a HUGE thanks to all those who were ever so empathic today and for being extra reassuring. Today was definitely not a good day but I suppose it hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. Thank you Jessica for helping me to remove the ear stud for the first time and not flinching at all when both ears were bleeding away but instead, helped me put the ear stick through. (: Oh, and thanks for trying to clear away the blood! It really was reassuring to have your assistance!

Oh and thanks to Edlyn too, who helped me adjust the ear stick when it fell out. But it wasn't a pleasant experience and my ears were bleeding throughout the parade and clotting up the area around the earstick. Couldn't concentrate throughout the parade because it really started to hurt when the earstick suddenly got stuck and it was still bleeding so...it was a messy scene.

And due to everyone's advice that I had to ensure the earsticks didn't get stuck, I adjusted them during the Math paper and my ears started to bleed. Again. So it was very distracting throughout the paper. Harrumph, wrong time for piercing. Who knew it would be this tough?!

OH, and thanks to GEMMA! My heroine (: who helped me clear away the clotted blood, take out the ear sticks, disinfect the wound and force the ear studs through (because the hole had closed a little) It is awesome to have your besties at the next block so that they can help you out in such girl-only situations.

Thank you! (: Even to those who were telling me stories about infection that freaked me out for a while., But I'm over it...for now.

Give and take

2006-04-26T21:09:00.000+08:00

I feel the breeze caress my cheeks, gentle as an embrace and somehow, a smile flits over my face for a moment. Captured in that moment, a brief nanosecond of hope in its most genuine form. Somehow, after a woman's testimony, the wind suddenly means so much more. It's like a reassurance from God, a somewhat physical form of affection from Him that's so close and intimate it's amazingly personal. Now everytime the wind blows, I just take that second to picture God's embrace.

The days are slipping into a darker abyss and sometimes it feels incredibly hard to have faith in things at hand. People question your faith, beliefs and convictions, the world twists your perception. Even as the days seem to get longer, your physical body weakens, I can still feel this faint sense of passion burning deep within that's screaming for a release, that needs something phenomenally powerful to awake and I KNOW God will make it come alive so realistically at the right time and I just know the feeling will be so incredibly beautiful and otherworldly.

Heck.

2006-04-21T23:00:00.000+08:00

As I sit here in front of the laptop whilst printing out a whole bunch of lyrics from the internet, my eyes are struggling to stay open even as the neglected badges lay silently by my side, a faint shimmer of fingerprints present. Tomorrow is even more packed than I expected, so here's my upcoming schedule.

7:45-12:00 pm (Promo and 2nd class drill badge)
1:00-1:45 pm (FUL leader meeting)
2:00-5:30 pm (NPCC Day Parade)
6:00-11:00pm (Grandmother's 80TH birthday)
11:00-1:00am (Finish homework)

The homework part is compulsory because my mum's deal was that I have to do TWO hours of work before I'm allowed to go for promo so I have no other alternative than staying up to accomplish my end of the deal. And I still have to rehearse the birthday performance with my two brothers, which is also compulsory as every family has to put up a presentation for my grandmother. Lucky isn't she? Whilst she's being treated like royalty, I'm slogging my guts out at NPCC to rush to her birthday celebration. What a comforting thought. But then, she's my grandmother so I STILL LOVE HER! (: HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!

Alteration

2006-04-21T19:48:00.000+08:00

Dear God, please don't let me fall sick now, not when tomorrow is promo. I really, really want to pass this time. You know I'm coughing now and on the verge of a fever, please lay your healing hands on me and bless me with good health. Just for tomorrow, that's all I ask for, please God. Even if it means a high fever and bad cough on Sunday, I'm willing to suffer through it as long as I can attend promo tomorrow. I have really worked hard for tomorrow, please let me go through the thing in good health. Amen.

Good luck for promo squadmates (:
I promise that I'll go even if the fever descends on me and I'm coughing my lungs out. PROMISE.

FUNFAIR!

2006-04-08T22:19:00.000+08:00

Flat-out, run down tired. Worked SEVEN shifts today, due to a whole load of irresponsible people who didn't show up for their duty. Man, but Bernette was the ultra superwoman! Drink stall business was fantabulous, ran out of stocks like....5 times? We sold EVERY SINGLE THING in the end. (: Very very proud of our class! Tania was the official pasar malam publicity manager, impressed with her LOUDNESS.

Split a whole assortment of drinks onto myself throughout the process, due to overshaking a few times till the cap flew off and people asking me to open Sprite bottles that they had shaken very vigorously. Then when everyone at the game stall vanished suddenly, I had to stop pouring drinks and pop over to manage single-handedly. As though I wasn't unlucky enough, a group of FIVE young children showed up to play. After I demostrated to them the game, they tried out the water guns and squirted it very effectively. Forgetting I was in front of them. Their parents were so aghast and apologised profusely. MAN! The whole thing was a wet wet job.

Then I practically got frostbite from the drink stall business. How ironical, you're supposed to get heatstroke in Singapore, not some frostbite case. Then my fingers hurt too much to work any longer so took a 15 minute break and snapped up tons of merchandise stuff and food before rushing back to help some more. Stayed back the latest in the entire class to clean up, since Mr. Loh was repeatedly NAGGING at me about the class key. Gosh, but he has a good reason to do so, since the person I lent the key to disappeared hours ago.

But the funfair was FUN! I had a good time, even though I had less than 2 hours of free time. Thanks to Nabihah, my official food buyer who bought me my lunch! Oh...and all those who turned up for shifts, I love you all! (:

SYF yesterday was the ultimate low-down though. I NEARLY blacked out at the parade. One moment I was marching, the next BAM! My vision was fading to black, my sound was being blocked out, this incredibly bad wave of nausea washed over me and I lost all feeling in my legs. Next thing, I couldn't keep my balance and down I went. But the ma'ams were VERY, VERY nice. I expected to be scolded upside-down and inside-out but they were incredibly understanding.

Oh yes, too tired to continue any further.

So shall just leave a message to those who didn't show up for any shifts: All of you are incredibly irresponsible and selfish. This drink and game stalls are a CLASS EFFORT thing so where were you? You people wear the class shirt, call yourself part of S1 yet you don't put in any effort! We were seriously understaffed so many times, so many of us had to work quadruple and more shifts to make up for you! WHERE WERE YOU? You people have a guilty conscience so live with it. You know what you didn't do, what you skipped. It's more than just a funfair thing. It's letting this class down.

Talk about IT

2006-03-29T19:53:00.000+08:00

If anyone is feeling extra compassionate lately, here are 4 things that would really brighten up my days!

ANY Lurlene McDaniel book. (I don't mind if it's borrowed from the library, as long as you can help me return)
Rent/lend me ANY Korean movies that are non-violent, prefably those that turn on the water works and romantic to sastify this girl's sappy needs.
A huge hug and a smile.
A glitter pen.

Tired

2006-03-26T20:31:00.000+08:00

The time's pounding in my ear, forming a dark methodical rhythm of such consistency that I almost feel as though health and life is slipping through my fingers. The sleek click of the keyboard seems abrupt every time my finger makes contact with the smooth surface and I wonder if life would end as abruptly as it started. Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into the simple happenings of our lifestyles but I feel that both life and death exist in everything we do.

Even now, I take a peek at the calender perched on the radio and feel worry arise within me. The multitude of tasks that awaits, the neverending events that mercilessly tosses themselves at me. I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to take hold of every second in this lifetime and never let them go. I know every single second in this life should be lived according to His will yet I find myself being unable to surrender this possesiveness I have over my life. These moments are slipping like sand from my fingers and forming a beautiful mural of memories that I'll look back upon and sigh wistfully over these foolish mistakes and remember the intoxicating memories of teenage years.

Even now, life seems overwhelming and suffocating. I'm breathlessly clinging on to His every word for that little spark of inspiration and strength to continue plodding through everyday life, to keep an optimistic belief that tomorrow's going to be a better day. But being involved in so many worldly things, I find it harder and harder to make time for God. My Sec 3 life has improved my walk with God and it has made me burn with a passion for His love but the more passionate I become about him, the more crowded my schedule becomes.

I know it is a method of Satan to dim this passion I'm feeling but this passion, it makes me hunger to just pursue God endlessly into this abyss of eternal life where all the questions will be answered and I'll have no more doubts. Yet now, I'm questioning so many things about myself. I'm feeling so incredibly tired and discouraged nowadays that it's getting to become a struggle to mantain a balance.

I watched incredibly tragic but truly inspirational Korean movies yesterday and spent a good half of the time crying till my eyes hurt. Don't feel like continuing this post anymore, I'm feeling so emotionally drained just typing it out. Just that if I seem real discouraged or upset lately, it's not any of you upsetting me. So don't feel offended if I tend to skip recesses or meals, it's just a way for me to have some quiet personal time to sort out my thoughts.

Oh, and have I mentioned that my English teacher is in my church? And that both of us used to be in the same cell group? And that she was one of my cell mentors? That officially adds to my long list of problems.

Weathered

2006-03-17T19:56:00.000+08:00

My head is throbbing away to a painful rhythm and I'm ringing up a fantabulously high fever at this point of time. It has gone down from yesterday's impressive 38.8 degrees but refuses to lower itself below 38 degrees Celsius. I'm sounding real pathetic, even to myself as I attempt to blearily complete the mountain of holiday homework. But at the rate I'm going, which is tortoise slow, since my hands feels like a cement block, uncooperate and unwilling to pen down words or numbers, it's going to take forever.

Great, the dining room light just poofed out on me. Oh well, I still have the living room to rely on. Yesterday was FAMILY DAY! (: Had a brilliant time until my sickness decided to pop by and ruin the good mood but still, I managed to remain relatively cheerful! My DEAR father was the one who so nicely passed the flu bug to me so here I am, in front of the Toshiba laptop, clicking away at the sleek black keys, while trying to will away this annoying fever and keeping my persistent sore throat down.

Man, I really do sound like a frog now. All croaky and low. The CIs would be proud though, I've finally achieved a low manly tone. I think I'm a rather ridiculous girl, setting the alarm at 5:30 am in hopes that I would have recovered by then and could hop off to improve my horrendous drills. But then, when the alarm rang, I was burning up so badly and feeling so incredibly bad I nearly killed my alarm clock when I fell off the bed reaching to switch it off because I underestimated the distance. I practically fell on it and it's amazing that tough little device is still ticking away.

I'm keeping that box of lozenges far away from me. It's almost addictive right now to my burning throat but overdosing on them won't do me any good. Thanks for the well-wishes to this pathetic sick patient. I watched Lavender and Love at the Dolphin Bay today whilst doing my homework. Found it more productive, since it distracted me from the persistent fever and my hand actually MOVED FASTER. Amazing.

But I was one sappy woman as I cried through the sad parts. Did I tell you those two shows are incredibly sad but romantic? In Lavender, I cried when the Yi Chen's heart disease reached the final stage, when Yi Chen passed away, when Yi Xun got locked in the greenhouse and fell sick, when Yi Xun's heart disease got to the final stage, when Yi Xun started coughing up blood, when Yi Xun passed away and a gazillion more reasons. IT WAS TRAGIC.

As for Dolphin Bay, there are WAY too many to state since the leads have this ability to make me cry after nearly every epsiode. But today...it was good I suppose. I got to accomplish a fair amount of homework. But let's just pray this fever goes away and that the other stuff: sore throat, blocked nose, throbbing headache as well.

GOD BLESS!

Brave Hearts

2006-03-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I really do feel like giving up. It's this pounding feeling that bores into your very soul and sees part those layers of superficiality I've put up around me. I pretend I don't care, that I'm much stronger, that I'm happy-go-lucky. But everytime I read the bible, these walls simply break down. I can't pretend in front of God, that I'm that strong. I can't lie to the person who made me that I'm happy. Because I'm not.

I'm not a good NP cadet, I confess that. My drills are twisted upside down and I have this weird "blank-out" thing that takes place during promo. My throat goes dry, my mind turns black and my movements become stiff. My campcraft isn't that good either. The peg takes a gazillion years to enter the ground and my knot tying is on the average speed side. I dislike expressing my opinions to CIs and they don't exactly like me either. The feeling's mutual anyway so I don't really bother. Walls are building themselves up, I grow more cautious of the CIs. I've grown so distrustful towards them, I can't rely on the words they say.

Throughout the years of my life, these walls have gradually built up. A facade of superficiality that prevents parts of the real me to shine through. But everytime he touches me, I find myself being the real me.

The REAL Andrea who cries so often nowadays when she has quiet time with God because she feels so vulnerable and scared. The REAL Andrea who's a big kid inside. The REAL Andrea who cries till her eyes are red when she watches sappy, sad movies alone. The REAL Andrea who's terrified of horor movies but doesn't want to admit it when she's with friends. The REAL Andrea who's terrified of getting pricked by pins/badges and takes a billion years to pin on her NP badges because she's always scared out of her wits. The REAL Andrea who cries over things that sadden her at night when no one but God hears.

But these walls aren't breaking down anytime soon in front of people. At least 1 person can see through it all, through those rose-tinted facades to a fragile soul inside. I'm not that strong, I'll never be that way. Because behind it all, are tears falling from the heavens.

Purely Memories

2006-02-28T21:20:00.000+08:00

Why do I end up doing things I absolute detest? Sabotaged once more to take part in the Oratorical Competition, whereby I'll forget my entire speech AGAIN and start concocting a speech on the spot. Oh joy. Looking like an absolute idiot in front of the whole school, AGAIN. I was on the verge of dropping out when Joyene dragged me along for the Oratorical thing because Mr. Loh probably wouldn't let her out of class. So I ended up having my name put down as well for the competition. Why didn't I protest harder? Now I'm having a mental block trying to write up a speech that I don't want to say. I feel like a very stupid, ridiculous pushover.

Favourite pairings?
Dhr, Clana
Favourite soccer team?
Arsenal
Favourite car?
BMW 7 series
Red or white wine?
Red wine (:
Favourite flower?
Lavender
Ambition?
Businesswoman cum author
Dream house?
A penthouse beside the forest
Night or day?
Both. I like the best of both sides.
Salted or sweet popcorn?
Sweet, I crave for sugar.
Fanfiction or novel?
I love both too much to choose.
Last thing you think of before you sleep?
Jesus! I pray right before I go to sleep every night.
First thing you think of when you wake up?
During school term: Is there school today?
During holidays: Recap my dreams
Peanut butter or jam?
Peanut butter, I can eat it by the spoonful.
Ketchup or chilli?
I'm a self professed ketchup addict.
Blog or diary?
Diary, it's way more personal.
Blog is for self expression of thoughts.

So that ends my entry. (:
Don't expect anything WAY personal here.

Meaning

2006-02-17T20:59:00.000+08:00

Why is it so hard
Just to be nice to someone?
Why make fun of us
Just so you can have fun?
It's just not right,
And definately not okay.
Who else will you make miserable
And chastise today?
Broken hearts and shattered feelings
Lie in your path.
Unique people who are dealing
With the pain of your laugh.
We withstand the day,
And try to keep a smile,
We stand up for ourselves
Every once in a while.
But when the sun sets
And all the damage is done;
We go home and cry
At the price of your fun.
What if you were on the outside,
And no one was there.
How would it feel to have nobody care?
Try to understand;
We're not all the same guys.
Not everybody's like you
Personality-wise.
But all that really matters is
Who we are on the inside.
Geeks, nerds, blacks, whites;
Preps, snobs, jocks, right?
Stereotyping people:
Do you think it's right?
That that's a reason for people to fight.
All we crave is some attention.
Somebody who cares,
Not giggles or glares.
Are you really that self-conscious
About who you're seen with?
Look who your friends are,
What can they give?
There you all are;
The proud and the few.
What makes you think they won't do it to you?

http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/carveduponus
Link to my fanfic for those who requested
D/hr pairing

Will you be my VALENTINE?

2006-02-13T20:12:00.000+08:00

Uploaded the 3rd chapter of my fanfiction, feeling really accomplished. (: A record whopping 13896 words! Was in an extraordinarily good mood during the weekend, mainly due to the many good things that happened. I managed to finish off a lot of homework ahead of time, got more red packets and got to catch up on loads of sleep. An extra sweet surprise was when mum bought me a brownie from Coffee Bean and I got to finish the entire thing by myself which was so sinfully delicious but amazingly good.

And I seriously think my body is going a bit weird. I was so proud after the holidays where I finally put on weight to be an awesome 47.7 kg, an all time high in my entire life! That I was safely within the Healthy range for once. But somehow, my body has managed to lose 2.7 kg without any extra exercise or dieting. I WANT THAT WEIGHT BACK! It's not as though the loss of weight causes my legs to look any nicer or makes my stomach any flatter. My legs still look the same, my stomach remains the way it is.

No one has ever done anything too bad to be forgiven. (: A beautiful, meaningful quote I read in a D/hr fanfiction. It really ministered a lot to me. *nods* Funny how God speaks to people sometimes. Through fanfiction of all things!

I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, i still believe people are really good at heart.

CNY celebrations

2006-02-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

Finally received the Common Test schedule today and I was gawping at the dates. Realised that there's still so much to cram within this very limited period of time and I'm still in a Chinese New Year mode which doesn't help, since our assignments are piling up. But being the studious woman I've resolved to become, I've been staying up late everyday to finish them off and this results in an extremely tired Andrea during lessons.

Chinese New Year dinners are killing me. Have been consuming continuous 10 course meals from Friday to Tuesday along with plenty of New Year goodies. My grandparents are always over enthusiastic during the New Year, inviting distant relatives, cousins and plenty of friends to their house. There was no moment of silence as guests continued streaming in hour after hour and my cousins, brothers and I would shoot each other looks of agony as we were forced to consume the snacks that these guests brought. I mean...the snacks were really yummy but after being stuffed to the brim, nothing you eat really tastes that good anymore.

The only good thing about it all was that we got LOTS of red packets! (: But won't be seeing any of the cash, since it's going into the bank account. Oh, and the bonfire experience was probably the highlight of the entire thing! You know pesticide is HIGHLY FLAMMABLE right? Don't ever try to test it, we had some real live experimenting. My cousin sprayed pesticide onto a bunch of burning dead leaves and twigs, causing the whole thing to practically explode in flames. It was thrilling definitely but not something safe. Not to mention it burned a huge portion of my grandparents' yard, leaving this gigantic charred mark on the ground.

Have been feeling pretty cheery lately which is a pleasant change from that depressed rut I was in and things are definitely starting to pick up! Aside from the fact that the Common Tests are coming up, life has been treating me well! (: Decided to make a list of wishes cum goals for these 6 months, hopefully I'll be able to achieve some of them! Especially the whole food craving business, it's driving me insane.

Finish writing my D/hr fanfiction
Learn to play "Spirit of Life" and "First Love"
Earn $200
An entire collection of Lurlene McDaniel books (:
Daddy's business to do well
For mummy to be less stressed
God blessing the entire family
Less food cravings
Jia Sheng to participate in judo actively
Jun Jun to pass his Chinese and Maths
Find contentment
Passion and expression

Literature Homework

By Andrea

Your hands lie open in the ocean

The weather is cool upon our backs

Your eyes smile peace. The ocean

Is like our personal haven

All round our heavenly home

Are the wonders of life alone.

Renewed hope

2006-01-23T19:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday Jesus spoke to me at night and it has really motivated me. Thank you to everyone who heard my troubles out, it reassured me that I'll always have people to lean on. But today I felt GENUINELY happy at times, much happier than I've been for the past month. It has been such a big step that I was breathless at first, wondering if I was delirious. But it's TRUE people, it really is! (:

I've been feeling Him so strong that it has really made me feel all gung-ho. For the first time in a long long while, I feel as though I want to live again and that I'm really starting to love God for all the amazing things he does. I feel so inspired, to reach out for my goals and dreams, to work hard for life. So don't worry about me being all depressed because God has really made a HUGE impact on me today. I want to live, I want to fly, I want to breathe freely, I want to be me.

And after being so confused for days, I'm starting to be a TRUE ME. When I told the ma'ams to call me "Drea", in a way it meant a lot. Andrea means strong woman in Christ. Without the "An", it should mean woman in Christ. My name and nickname means a lot to me. It's like a reassurance from God that whether I'm brave at times or not, I'll ALWAYS be a woman in Christ. Amen to that!

I'm starting to get out of that endless rut of depression and it feels AH-MA-ZING. I'm so sorry for all those I neglected mindlessly during my times of depression, for pushing all of you away. Thank you so much for sticking with me and being my besties through it all. I LOVE YOU ALL, truly, deeply, madly.

Breathless

2006-01-22T18:00:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling really lost nowadays, unsure what to do next. I feel as though I'm being choked by life and it's starting to really kill me. Even sleeping is becoming a really tough problem. I'll wake up in the middle of the night all of a sudden, feeling this sense of unhappiness and pressure all weigh down on me. Then I'll stare out of the window for a real long time, just praying quietly until I feel this sense of reassurance wash over me then I can go back to sleep. But I don't know why I'm feeling this way, why I'm feeling so suffocated.

Meeting the Sec One cadets tomorrow. Hmm..talking about NP, I feel really insecure about it. Sometimes I wonder if it's one of the biggest mistakes of my life or one of the tests God is putting me through. It makes me lose my sense of direction, has crushed my self morale so many times I find it harder to get up each time and has sent me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I know I'm a TERRIBLE cadet. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I CAN'T PASS PROMO, I CAN'T AND WILL NOT GET A LEADERSHIP POSITION, I CAN'T DO DRILLS PROPERLY, I CAN'T GET INTO CAMPCRAFT, I'M USELESS.

So stop rubbing it in CIs and teacher officers because you DON'T KNOW THE FEELING. You don't know me, you don't know ANYTHING about me. You don't know how HURT I feel when I know I failed, how USELESS I feel when I'm being treated like some unimportant person, how GUILTY I feel because I feel like I'm not doing enough for JESUS, how STUPID I feel because I can't achieve the grades my parents want, how DISGUSTED I feel with myself because whatever I do is NEVER ENOUGH.

So keep those cynical comments to yourself. I think I need some serious counselling at this rate. I'm losing my mind and myself. Thanks SO much for messing my brains up everytime I think I'm getting myself back on track. I'm STRUGGLING to remain optimistic, to see the bright side in life but sometimes I feel so tired.It's getting harder to breathe, to keep my spirits up. Are you happy now CIs and teacher officers? Are you happy that I'm becoming into such an unhappy suicidal person? Are you happy that I don't know who I am anymore? Are you happy that I'm so hurt and disappointed? I want so badly to hate you CIs and teacher officers. But I can't bring myself to it because I KNOW I should accept you. I'm TRYING, I REALLY AM but everytime I take a step forward to accept you all, you do something to make me take that step back again.

I don't know what to do, how I can accept you. Do you know what I pray for EVERY SINGLE DAY? That I can be TRULY happy, that I can accept myself for who I am, that I can really ACCEPT YOU ALL, that I can find my direction in life and that I can love Jesus completely and that I'll be truly optimistic. I've never said all this on a blog before but after writing in my diary these thoughts day after day, I need to share it to someone out in the world. I think my friends, cell and Jesus are the only things that keep me hanging on. Thank you for all those who have consistently reached out to me. I don't want to cry over these things that upset me anymore.

News!

2006-01-20T16:58:00.000+08:00

Ms Lam submitted my composition on "Describe Singapore 50 years from now" essay for the monthly Crescent competition. I think I'm losing my mind because when she said that, I gave an incredibly stupid reply by simply staring at her with a "Huh?" expression on my face. Thank goodness for Alpha who reminded me and I realised what she was talking about. Why me of all people in the entire class? It was done last minute, the night before school reopened and Ms Lam actually complimented it. What a shocker.

Oh, and we have to compose a poem for Literature! Decided to publish Alpha and I's work on this blog (with Alpha's permission). I came up with most of it but credits go to Alpha for making it rhyme much better and correcting the tense mistakes! Oh, it's fiction by the way. Erm, it's not like some Shakespeare work so don't expect too much.

Once a blissful beautiful friendship
Now a distant whisper in my ear
Our friendship reached beyond distance
Yet death came in between us

My life was torn apart that day
When the heavens took you away
But I felt you turn to me and say
No tears in heaven, remember that

I feel it's really symbolic, like how it means not to cry for the person who passed away because she's happy up there in heaven with no pain, troubles or worries. (: Oh, and if lose my mind completely throughout the year, blame it on the teachers. We have a mad Chemistry teacher, an insane Chinese teacher, a terribly frightening E Maths teacher and a drama queen Social Studies teacher. Now that's definitely enough.

And I think I need to do penmanship. I cannot write straight on blank paper or the white board. They usually go upwards but sometimes in bad cases, my words are like a rainbow. Perhaps I should draw lines on the white board before I write. Oh yes, I just realised I'm becoming a "quote addict." Any cure for it? Tell me if you have one.

Broken

2006-01-08T21:53:00.000+08:00

Changed my "Profile" to make it more personalized. When I read it myself after a long long time, it felt so NOT Andrea. My mood has been pretty good the entire weekend and I've got more responsiblities added on, which I really don't feel ready for. I don't think I can handle all this stuff being thrown at me from all angles. From NPCC, there's this constant pressure to pass promo because there's this whole "you should be higher rank than the juniors" sort of unseen rule. Which honestly, I don't really care about anymore since it's pretty (no offence honestly) ridiculous to think this way. Honestly, WHO CARES? Well, at least I don't. Still, the way everyone seems so paranoid about it keeps attempting to change this perspective of mine. But, it's my brain, my opinions, so who cares what the rest think? That's THEM, I'm ME.

From school, there's this pressure to be able to manage your time wisely and to be a guai student sort of stuff. I mean, I USED to be really guai and all but all that's changed. I mean, I'm still DECENT for a student, I tuck in my blouse and hand up homework punctually, take on a couple of responsiblities but nothing to extreme. Anyway, I'm just thinking how this mindless world has influenced our brains so much we aren't even able to take a breather to see where our true opinions lie. Which I'm trying so hard to do but as usual, school's inturrepting that spiritual session.

From church, I'm now Outing IC cum Follow Up Leader and have to go through some course thing. I don't feel ready to have to guide a new Christian in their walk with Christ when I myself don't feel as though I am THAT far on in my walk with Jesus. But I'm just going to see how it goes because if that is what God wants me to do, I'll keep on doing it.

You know, I really hope the CIs don't read our blogs because I really don't want them to know ANYTHING about me. Sure, a blog's meant to be PUBLIC and all but still, the CIs reading our blog? Now that fact is enough to make me think twenty times whether I should actually publish more personal stuff here. Still, it's my blog so I'm free to say what I want to. Freedom of speech right? Oh well, even if the CIs read this, I doubt they'll be interested anyway.

It's not as though I'm some oustanding ah-mazing cadet. And for your information, I have no intention of becoming a police woman. My goal is to become a BUSINESS WOMAN cum AUTHOR. No offense to anyone out there who wants that for their future career but that's UN-Andrea. And I'm going to lead a future I'm sure I'll be sastified with. There's no time in life to cry over regrets. And one of my biggest regret was leting the CIs get to me, mess up my emotions and intefere with my self-confidence. It was so stupid, to let them get me down. I'm not going to waste any more tears over what they say. Because those CIs, just aren't worth it. They aren't anyone personal to me, neither do they really, genuinely care about me, so those tears that go to them are nothing but waste.

And I'm not going to cry over what they say to me anymore. Because that's me.

So OVER.

2006-01-07T12:22:00.000+08:00

The campfire night was pretty much screwed up, or least our drills. My friends reassured me constantly that it looked fantastic but I know we didn't do the way we expected it to be. Felt like crying after the whole thing but decided it wasn't worth it. Why waste your tears on something that's already over? Honestly, I'm sick of all this pressure thing. I'm already starting to detest Sec 3 life. But I'm still attempting to keep an optimistic attitude in place, which includes counting down to when school ends. Which doesn't reflect well on my character but STILL, at least it's a form of encouragement.

More news, I'm treasurer. AGAIN. My whole life is going have to deal with numbers and more numbers. As if I didn't get enough of Maths. And I'm ALSO the Chinese rep. Of all subjects, why CHINESE? So I'm like treasurer-cum-chinese rep? But I'll be speaking to the Chinese teacher to see if she can choose another person. So anyway to all squadmates, ma'ams and juniors who performed for campfire night, IT'S OK. It wasn't the best of the best job we could have done but it was still real good. (: And don't waste your tears over something which you already put the best of your effort in. It's just not worth it.

After all, there're so many things in life to be grateful for. All for love a Father gave, for only love could make a way. All for love the heavens cried, for love was crucified. AMEN!

New Year!

2006-01-01T17:51:00.000+08:00

Blogging on the first day of 2006 seems pretty optimistic. Or at least it distracts my mind from the days to come. Sometimes I find myself paranoid about the future which scares me because I'm usually a person who goes, "Do first, think later." But perhaps that part about me has changed due to having friends who tend to worry about the future. Like the Umbrella Girls for instance, no offense darlings but you people tend to be a paranoid at times. I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing but this whole "paranoid business" makes me feel insecure and forces me to actually think about the future.

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2006

Do well in my studies to glorify God!
Do quiet time DAILY. Instead of thinking, "Why isn't God responding to me?", I should change my mindset and say, "I should make an effort to be even closer to God."
Play a more active role in church. Resist the temptation to talk during service and worship more actively! Worship with a faithful, willing and patient heart. Do not grouse over the offering. Be a GENUINELY cheerful giver ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of times. (:
Stop being hateful and bitter towards the things that have gone wrong. Instead, take it as a chance to learn more about myself and my relationship with God.
Put more effort into NPCC and even if I do not succeed, be optimistic. Even if I have not succeeded, God and I knows how much effort I've put in. Do not do things for success, do it with a faithful and willing heart.
Build up self confidence. Show that God does make a BIG difference in my life and be a testimony for others!
Finally, learn to love myself for who I am!

7's the number. The future's going to be a long and hard road but I'm going to strive to complete these goals. After all, if God could send his own son down to Earth to die for us on the cross so that we could have eternal life and will not perish after death, what's our reason for not making an effort to improve? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not hate and it forgives. God, please help me to love the people around me for who they are and help me to forgive and forget. AMEN.

LOVE!

2005-12-18T19:04:00.000+08:00

ROD was amazing to say the least! (: Except for the not-so-nice details in between but still, it was REALLY good. I didn't regret going after all, even though I missed the chance to go ice skating with my besties. Grabbed a quick breakfast before rushing over to besties house to borrow umbrella and went on a major search party to find a torchlight which took a long long time. Then cabbed to school. Thanks Shu Hui for the Pankhurst bear, it served as a wonderful bolster! Really cushy to say the least.

Started to go into an extreme high mode at the start, due to Iffah's bad luck umbrella. Got conked in the head with it and was somehow persuaded to go insane with Iffah to pretend it was raining in the corridors and canteen. Then both of us started singing some LOVE sing, NOT the Hi-5 one, it's the one that goes "L is for the way you look at me".

Oh, and got into Group One! (: We were a rather good group and Xin Qian ma'am is an AMAZING apple eater. She managed to finish one apple smothered in kaya and icing sugar by herself. I was impressed hands down. Oh, and there was this game where blindfolded people had to pick sweets out of this sticky concotion of melted strawberry sweets with chopsticks. I was the person supposed to guide them and it was a rather nasty task.

Xin Qian ma'am was practically shrieking that she couldn't find any sweets and looked as though she was going to chuck the chopsticks at me anytime even though I had already stuck my fingers into the sticky gooey mess to feel where the sweets were and directed her to the EXACT spot where they were. So I stuck my hands into the sticky mixture and plucked out a sweet and stuck it in between her chopsticks.

Then next came Sabrina, this Sec One cadet who had no idea how to use the chopsticks. So I had to once more do the same thing for her although Rebecca ma'am was screaming at me about cheating. XD Resorted to doing the same thing for a lot of other people since most of them looked as though they were dying to poke the guts out of someone after failing to grab any sweets and since I was the person directly in front of them I would most likely be the victim and I value my life thank you very much. But it was fun after all and got rid of the tomato cum egg smell! (: Instead I smelt of a candy shop!

Oh and the performances were good I must say. XD Although the Sec 4 ma'ams singing went a little out of tune at times and they were peering at the lyrics rather often. And it was priceless to see Xin Qian ma'am crushing Xiu Ying's biscuit to find the hidden paper baked in it. (: The time I probably disliked the most was sleeping time. I CANNOT SLEEP AT CAMPS unless I am sick or extremely tired. And at ROD, neither was true so I was AWAKE THE WHOLE NIGHT.

Felt extremely stupid being the only person awake honestly. One time attempted VERY hard to go to sleep but after staring up at the stupid ceiling like an idiot for what seemed like forever, gave up and sat there glumly like a stature. Did 50 sit ups in the middle of the night to attempt to tire myself out in order to be able to go to sleep but was caught by the ma'ams. Then companied Theresa to the washroom where I promptly jogged on the spot until we had to leave.

STILL COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP. Sentry duty was the best part, got to move around instead of being cooped up and forced to try to fall asleep. Then whilst the others all dropped off to sleep soundly, I was the lone soul sitting up and watching the Sec 3 ma'ams start to fall asleep, the Sec 4 ma'ams playing Monopoly, the Sec 1s sleeping and the annoying fans moving as though they were poking fun at me and saying, "HA! The others are asleep but you're not!"

I think I'm going nutty. So whilst the others were in lumberland there I was, reciting numbers in my head. Can't remember how far I got to though, because I eventually got so bored. But one good thing came out of the sleepless night: I PRAYED A LOT! (: Yes, God accompanied me tons during the night and I talked a lot to him, far far more than usual. So there's always good things admist the bad!

Yupps, so enough about ROD already! (: Going to spend a wonderful Christmas at my aunt's house. Having our usual sleepover and we're in charge this year! LOVE YOU ALL and hope you have a FABULOUS Christmas. God Bless You all.

Reminiscence

2005-12-14T21:16:00.000+08:00

The holidays are going to end in a couple of weeks, so I thought I might as well do some reflecting on 2005. This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, but very spiritual and encouraging as well. I've learned a lot about myself, God's purposes and about the people around me. I'm not going into the personal details here, rather it's going to be in my diary, since practically everyone can read a blog, it's not private after all.

God has been blessing me thoroughly and have taught me plenty of lessons. To find a greater sense of independence within myself and to be able to forgive people more easily are amongst the many blessings he has showered on me and those emotional times I had to go through is worth it because ultimately, change is never easy. I've become more emotionally stable, more of a rebel I must say (unavoidable, due to G2's influence but it's good in a way), more self-assured, closer to God and stronger.

But I shan't continue with my blabberings, it'll bore you people out. For two very special groups of people in my life, my sistas and the Umbrella Girls, I've written a testimony! (: Shall write more in my next post.

SISTAS!

Time has passed since we've formed our sisterhood union, I really enjoyed the recent sleepover even if things didn't go according to plan. I'm grateful to God for blessing me with such friends who are always a phonecall or footsteps away to share my troubles and to light up my day! All of you are AMAZING, wonderful people. The way you people like to pinch my cheeks at times, tease me about my messy hair and those lectures on my over-feminism are little things about you people that make me smile. I'm so glad you're only a block away, life just wouldn't be the same without you people. When I go over, everything's so familiar, from your soft toys to the pictures on the walls. It feels like another one of my homes. (: Thank you for accompanying me for so many years of my life, you're literally my second family! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE LOADS. I believe that I don't need to say a lot to let all of you know how much you mean to me.

UMBRELLA GIRLS!

We may not have been besties for a very LONG LONG time but the fantastic memories we shares is a genuine testimony to our true friendship. Our friendships have made my school year a really enjoyable one. Thank you for being there for me through so many circumstances and the long chats on phones where all of you would be patient. Alpha, I'll miss the way you tease me about being AM or Bobo and trying to trick me into watching Happy Tree Friends cartoons even though I detest them. Eunice, I'll miss the way you constantly chatter about Harry Potter and attempting to force me to watch trailers and convince me not to like Draco/Hermione as a couple. Sze Wai, I'll miss the way you go hurhur, the way you constantly fret over your studies and tease me about being gullibl, the way two of us would run up the rotunda like mad people together or attempt to hop up the steps of the rotunda all the way to the fifth story. Janice, I'll miss the way you crack lame jokes, the auntie-like way you talk sometimes, the way you get so emotional and the way you would laugh at me for being gullible enough to believe the things all of you trick me into. Hanis, I'll miss the way you'll go on about how hot Tom Felton is, blabber on about band and rattle on about the going-ons on your life. All these about everyone of you makes our friendships special! Thank you for being such wonderful people. I love all of your hugs, they're all so reassuring. Sze Wai, Alpha and Eunice, thank you for all the times you've helped me with my homework, explaining to me Maths sums I'm hopeless at and during the exam period, showering me with notes! I LOVE YOU ALL. The times we spent at the sleepover was a memory I'll never forget. Good luck in your classes next year!

Bruises Galore!

2005-12-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

Gack, I have realized for the tenth millionth time I am hopeless at drills. Heck, no wonder I failed promo. Thanks to my lack-of-direction-itis and lack of action-speech coordination. Oh well, it comforts me to know that my parents are being really supportive about it all. (: At least now they're starting to understand more about my life. Jesus answered my prayer! He helped me to open up to my parents and make an effort to connect more with them.

I have NO idea how I always manage to physically damage myself while doing drills. It's almost like suicide if you ask me. Today, I have gotten two shiny bruises on my knee and a squashed toe when I slammed the rifle down on my own foot. But rifle drills are fun so I don't really mind much. I think I'm absolutely insane. I detest normal drills to the extent of death but I enjoy rifle drills although they're more tiring, physically demanding, require more practice and there's a higher chance of me injuring myself. I'm a klutz.

Sze Wai, thanks for the sweet message on your blog! (: It cheered me up tons and I'm real disappointed we aren't going to the same class but it's destiny and we can't change it. Oh, I'm not a ditzy girl! And glad that you've overcome your social stigma! A real achievement indeed, congratulations darlin'.

The sleepover was really fun. Although things didn't go accordingly to plan, I think impromptu things are actually more exciting! Night time was the best though. Some of us went downstairs and attempted to light a heart of candles but the wind kept blowing them out and it started to rain. So we shifted to a deserted, dark part of the condo that was sheltered. And the security camera was conveniently facing the other way.

We had sheltered the candles with our own bodies so the candles were dry while we were damp. Grabbed umbrellas and toothpicks from upstairs. Then formed a square of candles which took a while and used the umbrellas to shelter the rain from leaking into our sanctuary. Then we lit some trick candles up [those that would instantly relight after you blow them out] and roasted marshmallows. Took loads of pictures! (: It was real good. Shan't elaborate more, the rest shall remain a secret between me, the sisters and the other participants. Sisterhood is one of the bestestest things God has given me.

Tough Cookie?

2005-11-29T08:15:00.000+08:00

Due to demands I update, here I am! (: Sorry, but this holiday has been so dramatic. Anyway, the reality has sinked in to me. We were pumped knuckle push ups, diamond push ups and a heck load of others by the CIs. But I'm proud of my squad for sticking through it all! We are one big united family indeed. Uh-huh. I felt like crying throughout the knuckle push up punishment and after that but I didn't, which I'm really proud of. I will not let them have the sastification of watching me cry and letting them know they got to me real bad.

After all, why are they WORTH crying over? I shouldn't be crying over them, it's a waste of my tears. But anyway, today I'm having a sleepover with my besties/sisters! (: So if you want to call my house, sorry, I won't be there. Instead call my besties' house! So CYA people, it's time for partying!

Completed.

2005-11-18T16:43:00.000+08:00

Got back STREAMING RESULTS! (: Really pleased with it I must say. Got into my dream combination: Double Science (BioChem) with Pure Lit, Elective Geog and Additional Maths! *cheers wildly* I'll be in 3S1 next year, just next door to a whole bunch of G2ers! Isabelle and Clarabelle are in G3, Lisa, Germaine, Prithika, Santhiya, Sherwin, Morgan and Jessica are in S2. REJOICE! Next year is going to be a fantastic year, I just know it!

According to demand, here it is. And since I'm high on the weird-cum-hyperactive scale, I've got 7 things to list. Not to forget, 7's my lucky number!

7 weird/random things about me

My cupboard doors have to be closed before I can sleep. It makes me feel unsecure to leave it open.
I must say Goodnight to everyone in the household including Bubbles before I can get to sleep or I'll feel as though I've done something wrong.
I always greet all the cleaners and security guards in my condo and Crescent. Yet I tend to ignore the teachers at times.
I only scream on amusement park rides if friends/family/relatives are with me (those I'm scared of DUH). When I'm alone, I'll keep my mouth glued shut even if the ride scares the wits out of me and I'm about to faint.
I nearly always wear my shoes in the lift every morning when I go to school because it saves time.
I tend to like to watch drama serials alone if I have just bought them. After that, I'll watch it many more times with friends. I dislike people looking at my impromptu, often amusing facial expressions when I watch drama serials because I feel it's a personal thing. And not to mention I get very dramatic and emotional and out of control when I watch drama serials, which can be embarassing.
I usually wake up the earliest whenever I'm sleeping in a foreign place or with friends or relatives. I dislike having people watch me sleep, EXCEPT for family, which I'm perfectly comfortable with.

Anyway, so it's done! Er, I'm not passing this thing on to anyone, so no worries. CYA!

Back from China

2005-11-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

LOHA! Was back on Monday, have been tons busy until now. More stuff to update, Shanghai and Beijing was amazing. (: A fantaaastic vacation, worth missing Campcraft Selection Test for honestly. NP has been rather OK, judging by the two sessions we had so far. I took a dose of caffeine on Monday which kept me awake throughout the NP session but wore off when I got on the bus. Nearly slept past my stop. Took a long long nap on Monday to make up for the lost sleep. Note to self: NEVER take the midnight flight IF you have to go for something the next morning.

I can never sleep on the plane. Oh well, but had a good time watching the movies on the plane! (: Shark Boy and Lava Girl was corny but when you're in a plane, cooped up in your seat and unable to sleep, it's a pretty good show after all. Ah hah, so on about China. I actually got to see REAL apple trees and pluck an apple out of the tree!

The flea market people were horrendously scary. They would like cling on to us and drag us all the way to their stores and if we didn't buy anything, would continue blabbering on endlessly and refuse to let us leave. Gosh. Desperate people indeed. We saw one European man being pinned down by five ferocious store owners and dragged to some jacket store. He obviously couldn't do anything, poor man. But it was fun bargaining, shall do it again next time when we go to China. Next time, wear body guards.

The service in China is WAY better than the one in Singapore. By the way, my dad's business clients and workers are really nice. (: They kept treating us to ice cream (although it was winter) and would offer to buy us tons of stuff. And the cinema we went to was practically spotless and the seats were really cushy and soft. Full luxury comfort! The popcorn there is less sweet though but healthier I suppose. Don't try their salted stuff though, when they mean salty, it REALLY is. Or at least the ones we tried. Maybe just unlucky?

Enough for today. In summary, everything was fabulous! Thanks for the well-wishes, they probably gave us more luck!

BYE!

2005-10-31T14:26:00.000+08:00

GOODBYE PEOPLE! (: About five more minutes and I'm leaving the house so this is a real quick post. I'm going off to Shanghai today. Ain't it wonderful? Missing the Campcraft Selection Test on Saturday but having a makeup (or so Syira says) so it's OK. Real apologetic for all the inconvenience but this trip to Shanghai is REALLY IMPORTANT.

We're going to meet my dad official's BUSINESS PARTNERS and this is real important to his business. So yarh, sacrifices are worth it. *nods* After all, it could mean a business contract. Anyway, some quick notes.

BEST BETS ON HOW TO CONTACT ME
-Email me at my_valentine_princess@hotmail.com
China isn't exactly completely technology-less, more so SHANGHAI. I'll try my best to check my mail if I can, but if I can't, too bad.
-Tag my board
Same reason as above
-I'LL TRY TO CALL ANY ONE OF YOU (SQUADMATES) to find out attire for Monday. Please stick to either NEW Unit Tee/Squad Tee as these are the two shirts I'm bringing to China with me.

Gosh, taxi's waiting! CYA. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Perceptions

2005-10-28T20:37:00.000+08:00

God has other plans for me and I'm certain of that now. Mdm Lim told me the CIs said my drills are not up to standard. At that moment in time, when she was telling me all the suggestions about extra drills, asking squadmates for help, I came to a moment of realisation. It just happened, as though God just turned on the light and I'm truly able to see a glimpse of his plans for me. He sent me to be in NPCC not to be some high-ranking, professional, excellent-at-drills cadet, but to let me realise my purposes in life.

I feel real happy now, even though I lost but it gives me a HUGE amazing thrill to know that He has something planned for me! (: I may not have passed promo but this news is enough to make me feel all sunshine. I'm not the kind of NPCC material, it's not really where I want to head in the future. My ambition and NPCC is WAY off. I'm going to become a business woman cum writer. People, tell me what does that have to do with drills? Perhaps to train endurance, leadership skills, discipline, BLAH.

Just as long I follow God's plans, even if I fail, it's always OK. Because life's not about accomplishments. Would I rather chalk up rewards on Earth or in Heaven? Even if I get to some high rank, when the Earth ends, all those glory will turn to ashes. I'm storing up rewards in Heaven! (: The day He comes is the day we're reborn.

Just Believe

2005-10-27T21:01:00.000+08:00

This world is dead cruel. Everytime I think I've found a path I want to walk down, the world has to twist it and confuse me all over again. But I suppose it's good, it lets me try new experiences in life. Here's the big deal people, I failed Coporal Promo. I was distraught at first, but now that miserable, self-wallowing in pity state (which lasted a couple of hours) was over, I've wisened up to it all. I blamed God at that moment for making me face such disappointment, I worked so hard yet I failed to meet my expectations.

But now reflecting, it really is a blessing in disguise. It motivates me to work harder and helps me to realise the friends around me who genuinely care about my emotions and accept me for WHO I am, not WHAT I am, what I have accomplished. It makes me feel real grateful. Sure, I might lose out on a rank, but what's that tiny piece of cloth and shiny strip across it compared to a whole group of true, earnest friends who are by your side to support you in whatever you do, encouraging you whenever you fail? I am indeed a blessed woman!

Another batch of good news! I'm not going to have to quit NPCC. I thought my parents would absolutely fume. But God has truly blessed them with understanding. They were upset of course but they still held faith in me. They said, "So as long as you tried your best, the results don't matter to us. We love you for who you are because it's more important to be happy than successful." I'm feeling ditzily, amazingly light and bouncy! My father even went to the extent of bringing me to the hairdresser after piano to cheer me up. It felt real theraptic honestly, to have the lady chop off chunks of hair. It felt revitalising, new.

(: But I can't do this all the time, I'll go bald. My hair's still long, just awfully thin. But it's OK, so as long as I'm happy, it doesn't really matter does it? I LOVE MY FAMILY. I LOVE GOD. My parents also allowed me to go to ORCHARD with my FRIENDS for the 3rd time this year on Sunday which is an amazing blessing! They trust me to be more responsible and I am thrilled. So many blessings, too many to count. Silver linings are indeed behind those clouds. Could this day get any better? I love you all!

Thank you God (:

2005-10-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

Thank you God for giving me the grace of forgiveness. I have forgiven my cousin and decided that I should not hate him. Why should I strain the family ties? If he does not treasure the blood and spiritual bond between the family, then it is his loss. But I choose to treasure the bond between us and not forsake it simply for the sake of some game. Also, we were put on this Earth to serve God and to be the light to guide the non-believers towards Christ. If we Christians despise each other so much and refuse to cooperate, how are we going to be a team to work towards spreading the gospel?

In what way would we be different from the other people of this world? I really thank God for letting me understand his purposes in life! He makes me feel fufilled and sastified. 2G2 is splitting up soon and I can hardly believe that it's already time for us to move on. I'll miss the scolding, the noise, the chaos. EVERYTHING. But I shan't go into detail, these personal stuff are for my handwritten diary.

Nowadays I find myself gradually getting closer to God. He's helping me to stand firm against my values. He blesses me in several ways and helps me to see people in different perspectives, helps me to forgive those who have hurt me and seek forgiveness from those I have hurt. (:

I want to walk with you
Everyday of my life
To talk with you
In the good and the strife
You're my friend
You're my father
For all time
Nothing can keep us apart
You're the lover of my heart

I really love this song and I want to be able to mean every single word of it, to be able to hold on to God firmly. (: Amen.

READ!

2005-10-21T19:08:00.000+08:00

TO ALL PEOPLE OUT THERE!

I am officially AGAINST my COUSIN now! If you ever see him, EDDIE TAN's his name, flame him, curse him, injure him, whatever. He thinks he's superior to us just because he's older. Who messes with my brother messes with the entire family. I can't believe I am related to such a corrupted cousin.

List of Crimes

He tried to sell off my brother's account.
He accused my brother of hacking his friend's account.
He threatened by brother with VIOLENCE.

I'm really furious. It's his own bloodly fault that my brother's friend was so furious at him over the selling-account thing that he hacked his account. He went back on his promise, he's facing the consequences of his irresponsible behaviour. Serve him right. He still says my brother and his friends have attitude problem, I want to sock him in the face for that.

If he would just step back from his CONCEITED, CORRUPTED world, he would realise HE is the one with the FREAKING problem. You reap what you sow Eddie and you deserve your consequences. God will JUDGE you for your doings and you know that you're wrong, just that your stupid ego gets in the way. What I'm the most furious at is that he went SO LOW to actually THREATEN my brother with VIOLENCE.

That's incredibly low. And now I see, what an attitude problem he has and now I have a reason to hate him even further. But anyway, I'm trying not to use any bad words here so I must stop my post, for fear vulgarities start spouting out. So anyway, REMEMBER! My cousin is EDDIE TAN. That corrupted person.

Over It

2005-10-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

I've forgiven my mom. I'm also partially in the wrong. Thank you God for gracing me with the ability to forgive. I know how much I have hurt my mom through getting such poor results. I will work harder to make her proud of me! (:

Anger

2005-10-19T20:42:00.000+08:00

I'm seething beyond belief. The small ounce of happiness resting in me has been crushed. I can't believe my MOTHER would be so DISCOURAGING. I mean, I expected her to be at least happy for me, that I reached my goals. But no, she has to trample on my happiness and crush it all, even going to the extent of BANNING ME FROM GOING FOR NPCC TOMORROW. I'm furious, why can't she understand? I mean, I did my best for EOY exams. It's not my fault that my history is a sickening 57. I know I'm not good enough, that the results aren't sastifactory but this time, I really made an effort.

Can't she look on the bright side? I got 72 for English and that's an achievement on my part. Why won't she encourage me instead of saying discouraging things? Tomorrow I really WANT to go for NPCC, and honestly, that's one of the times I really feel enthusiastic about it. And what she said really angered me. "If you can't help yourself, you might as well help your brother pass his subjects." I mean, I tried my best, what more can you expect?

I'm sorry, I know I should be more understanding. It's me who screwed up, who did badly but she's my mother after all. Shouldn't she be the one to comfort me when I'm down? Instead she's making me feeling even more upset. I'm angry, help me face reality. And this world just hurts so much that my heart's starting to numb.

Faith

2005-10-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated in a while. Thanks for all those who have been real supportive all these while. EOYs are over, which is a major relief. Recently I've been doing a lot more reflecting. All along, I have been blessed by God yet I was too ignorant to notice it until now. I've been thinking of the little prayers I've said to him and I realised he has fufilled them. Yet I didn't thank him and I wasn't even AWARE. Instead I was ungrateful and blamed him for things that went wrong.

I don't have the authority to do that. He's GOD. He has a reason for everything he does and I shouldn't be questioning his plan for this world. He has his own plan, he sees the bigger picture. I can only see a little portion of it all and I'm doubting him because I don't know his plans. That's just so wrong. I should be TRUSTING him, not thinking he's doing all this to hurt me. He's doing all this to change me, to become a better person. But I refused to open up to him, to let him cleanse away my sins.

When I prayed that I would have faith, he gave me that faith to believe in myself. When I prayed for graciousness, he gave me the graciousness to forgive others. When I prayed for strength, he gave me the strength to believe in him. Thank you God for letting me realise how blessed I am. I surrender my EOY results to you completely. Somehow I felt your existance whilst I was completing my papers, as though you were by my side encouraging me, give me this sense of serenity.

I put my fate into your hands and even if I don't do well, I know you have a purpose for it. You have a purpose for EVERYTHING. I want to trust you completely and have strong faith in you. I know I'm not the most dedicated Christian, I tend to stray from the path at times. But so many times you have brought me back into your arms. You have never given up on me. And I want to give my results to you. Because YOU are the one who created me. You are the one who gave me life. (: Thank you God for everything.

I was blessed all along

I was just too ignorant to notice it

Now I know you're by my side

My future is complete

Free Reign

2005-09-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

We obtained 8th for the National Cooking Competition. Needless to say, I'm rather upset that we did so badly. ): Lots of upsetting times have happened this weekend. Short recap on Saturday first. My costume was the most HUMOROUS one there. Others wore glamarous traditional costumes while I was wearing a baseball cap, apron with designs drawn on by squad mates (at least it has a special personal touch) with school skirt, sport shoes and NPCC new unit tee. I made a new friends at the Cooking Competition and they all commented I looked like Doraemon, with a big magic pocket to pull items out of. DORAEMON! How amatuerish right? I imitated being Doraemon and all of them laughed.

I was the reserve, a very fun position since I basically didn't have to do much. Watched Cynthia, Jiat Ru, Shu Hui and Eileen prepare the dishes while I stood up, listened to the music playing and made new friends. (: Photo taking (for the dressed up people) was funny. Okay, so it wasn't SUPPOSED to. But the others simply liked laughing at me for some weird reason claiming I'm humorous just because I commented, "Oh you're so tall! Of course must be in the first row or your head will be chopped off when they take the photo!" to this really TALL guy. And more people made me imitate Doraemon again. Felt like a cheapskate clown.

Then took off the apron + baseball cap and rushed for piano. I saw the bus coming when I was leaving Ngee Ann Secondary and was in such a panic that I just dashed across the road, leaving people to gawp at me. I'm such a bad ambassador of NPCC, didn't even LOOK and just sprinted across. And ran for the train after that. Seriously, fate loves playing with me. After the humongous rush, I got a nice seat on the train and took a short nap. Then FINALLY arrived at Bukit Batok! Realised I was early (amazing) and bought Sugar Cane juice and went to West Mall to call my Father. Then bumped into Shafina Ma'am and Rebecca Ma'am. They were nice about the whole thing though, even though we let them down terribly. I'M SORRY MA'AMS.

After that, rushed to catch the bus. Had to run for it AGAIN. Can you believe how incredibly suay I am? Then made it to piano class on the DOT. I'm incredible. *shakes head* Played my scales terribly but my piano pieces were the saving grace. Then took a bus to Rail Mall and had lunch with my dad. It was like....3? Oh well, enough of Saturday.

FRIDAY!
In loving memory of
FRISBEE MARIE JOY
Dear daughter/son of Lisa

Dear Frisbee, I never got the chance to really know you. But for the short time span when I interacted with you, I really felt as though you were something personal to me. May you rest in peace and I feel comforted you've got to a better place.
Lisa, I hope your leg's better and don't grieve too much over Frisbee. It's in heaven know, where it can no longer feel pain. G2 may have lost the frisbee match but the memories of our eternal MASCOT with remain with us. For even in death, its love will remain with us.

Ma'ams and squadmates, I'm SORRY. That we got 8th. That my costume was so terrible. I'm SORRY, for being ME. ):

Fire

2005-09-15T20:39:00.000+08:00

I've been an extremely cheerful and upbeat woman this week! (: This week has been swimmingly good despite the fact that I've been undersleeping. But I've been so inspired, motivated and encouraged to push myself beyond my usual limits that all these undersleeping is worth it. Mass Run today was one of the most hilarious ones I ever experienced. Due to Yue Qun's hair woes, I spent one eight of the mass run attempting to reassure her and half of mass run laughing till I was breathless because of Yue Qun's hilarious retorts that her hair looked like an "Ah Long" and was saying that even the mushroom hair and balding forehead style looked better, causing me to burst into hysterics constantly that it was impossible to run properly. The people around us thought we were nuts because we practically spent half the mass run laughing like mad cows.

Yesterday, in preparation for Survival Cooking, I went downstairs to collect dry leaves and twigs, only to find the ENTIRE Downstairs Condo Club had gathered. My brother was like "1, 2, 3, GO!" and all the kids went running off. I was standing there, gawping at the sight before me which was like so WOAH. The kids were climbing trees, crawling under bushes and scaling walls to get more leaves and twigs. I promise you, it was like I had a mini-army under me. They would come scurrying back, arms full with materials and dumping them hastily onto their own piles before speeding off, leaving me to stare in awe at the amount of material they collected. I never knew our condo had so many dry leaves and twigs. Then Kellop won the Jungle Boy title and he got a can of soft drink as his "trophy". But it was truly a wonderful experience that I have to thank NPCC for. It has really bonded me even more with the people in the condo. All the kids were helping me cram leaves and twigs into the humongous black garbage bag and it was filled to the maximum capicity. My brother and I had the hardest time getting it home because it was so HEAVY.

And Campcraft Test went rather well. I studied so hard, practically memorized the words and the test was close passage with helping words given with multiple choice and short answer questions along with labelling. Do you know how immensely FURIOUS I was? I was like stare at the paper then mentally, "What kind of rubbish is this? I studied so stupidly hard and the test is so PATHETIC?!" Felt like slapping myself on the face seriously. I'm such a stupid gullible woman. Why do I even bother to study?

The Survival Cooking was hilarious, I promise. If only you people could witness our group. At the beginning we attempted to do individual then we thought of a fantastic idea. We combined all five of the stoves in a circle and formed a huge bonfire. We threw in leaves, twigs and everything. Then to help the fire, we used paper! I was the provider and burnt HALF of my newly bought foolscap. My heart ACHED so bad to see the nice clean paper turning to ashes rapidly. And we were so desperate I burned the old PBL worksheets (because Sukeerthi photocopied new ones that we filled in and handed in like 1 month ago) then Iffah went, "Die Mrs Neo, die!" We laughed impossibly hard. Gave up my collection of recipes, old consent forms dating all the way to January, tore out a few pages from my notebook, old pictures I printed out, the Newspaper Article research for Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry which is like ancient and any scrap paper. It was fantastic and our fire was so big, we BURNT the WALL.

So we spent a very long time scrubbing the wall afterwards. (: But this Survival Cooking was AWESOME! Hmmm...so can't go for Scrabble Competition tomorrow due to Learning Style Survey Make-Up Session so I can cheer for 2G2! Really hyped up about this thing! An amazingly long entry today. Feeling so accomplished. Thanks for all the tags people, I really appreciate all of them, EVERY SINGLE ONE. Yupps, so I can watch the Frisbee Match. I believe in the G2 frisbee players that they have tons of potential. GO G2! I'll be there tomorrow!

Reality Crashes

2005-09-11T21:28:00.000+08:00

School's reopening tomrrow. Reality's coming back to me. It's time to return from the other point of reality. Tomrrow's the day. When it all starts, when:
My mentality is questioned
I question my abilities
Nightmares haunt my dreams
I lose my confidence
Everything goes wrong
And my world comes crashing down

I'm so exasperated by my current view on this world. This eternally pessimistic view that doesn't seem to become optimistic. It's a serious case of Monday Blues. Back to school, back to reality. Yue Qun's birthday is on 17th September. (: I'm going to go broke buying that woman a present. Life's cruel. But I'm not going to back down. I'm AGAINST the WORLD.

Listen!

2005-09-08T18:51:00.000+08:00

Due to demand that I update, I'm finally back in action! Tons of apologies that I didn't fufil my promise to update a long time ago but I've been busy this September Holiday. These few weeks have been crammed full of action and it's been quite a thrill. Had a father-children day on Wednesday and it was good. (: No need to go into details, you people would be bored to death with my dramatic phrasing.

Don't have much time to blog. Drills was fun today, and I just realised that the frop is F-R-O-P, not F-R-O-G. Something's probably wrong with my mind, to make me be so stupid all of a sudden. Short entry, must apologise. But I'm treasuring every second of this beautiful holiday. SO CIAO. (: Love you people loads.

Renewed

2005-09-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

Feel the bars of stress crash down on your freedom. Things have really piled on these few weeks but amazingly, I've remained optimistic throughout it all. I'm really grateful to God for fufilling my prayer. You've given me a lot of will power to remain optimistic and I'm really grateful that you've been helping along these few weeks. (: Have no time to write an entry now, so just want to let everyone who has been there for me, thanks a million. Shall write the long overdue entry tomorrow.

Grandpa's 80TH Birthday

2005-08-21T20:56:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday grandfather! (: He's 80 years old, how awesome right? He was born on August 31st. I'm so proud of him, that until today, he continues to work. Most people retire at the age of sixty something yet my grandfather's one strong willed man, continuing his work in the construction industry! He's made a legend out of himself and all of us are proud of him! Went off to Malaysia early in the morning on Saturday and returned today, around 8.

It was a magnificent event. It wasn't held in some fancy hotel but what mattered was the effort they put in and that everyone had made an effort to come, even those from Kuala Lumpur. And that really shows the family spirit! My brothers and I along with my father may be the ONLY Singaporeans in my mother's side of the family but never once did we feel excluded. Despite the fact that we're separated by nationality and distance, the closeness between us and our cousins cannot be changed because no matter what happens, we are connected by FAMILY TIES. And that's what really matters.

Being there for each other, treasuring the time we have together. We may not be able to see our cousins often, but there's always the unspeakable bond between us that enables us to communicate freely. My grandfather has always inspired me. He's a hardheaded man who can be conventional at times but he's determined in whatever he does and never gives up. He takes on responsibility and bears it, leading the family with loyalty, discipline and respect.

It wasn't the birthday presents that mattered. It was the fact that the WHOLE FAMILY was there and that all of us were proud of him. He got AWEOME presents. The best one was a new CAR. We were in awe, he got a CAR for his birthday from Uncle Michael. And the number plate had a special meaning. WND831. 31st August (8th month). Tons of humorous things happen. In short, the glass-breaking saga, the car drama serial, Auntie singing competition (it was priceless) and Waterless Reality Show. (: I nicknamed them. But I shan't elaborate. It'll take too long.

There, I realised a LOT of things. Like how little things in life really matter. There, cut off from computers and internet, with no arcades or grand malls, just little boutiques here and there, I was HAPPY. I was happy to be with my family and cousins, to be able to talk freely, not worry about so many things and just be myself. Just sitting on the old rusty swing (it's OLDER than me) with my cousins and talking about our lives, I was contented.

Here in Singapore, I've lost the ability to really focus on what's important. Being in such a highly competitive environment has caused me to be so focused on grades, CCA, school that I've forgotten about the importance of family and Jesus. I've been so distant from myself and totally ignoring my own personal needs to meet the requirements of this world. Why should I force myelf to change to suit this world? To suit this world, I give up my personal space, forgot the freedom of speech, my personal time and basically, myelf. They say, sacrificing your personal time for success is worth it.

But guess what. I DON'T THINK SO. Everyone craves success but I've found it not to be a nessecity in life. Sure, my grades aren't so good now, I'm not that always-correct woman but I'm learning how to be HAPPIER. Isn't that more important than ALL the success in the world? You can be the most successful person but remain miserable. So this world, your warped ideas might try to creep into my brain but I'm going to really focus on HAPPINESS now. Because now I find, that's what really matters.

And that's my life. Not others. I have the right to live it the way I want it to be, make the choices I think are right and believe what I choose to believe. Teachers may criticize me, call me rebellious but it's MY life. Even if I wreck it in the end, at least I know, I didn't live for the world. I chose to BE MYSELF, what JESUS CREATED, not what the WORLD created. AMEN.

Scompigliato in su

2005-08-10T18:36:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling ditzily happy today for some unknown reason. I think it's the after-effects of National Day that has yet to wear off. The title of the blog post means "Messed Up" in Italian. Common Tests are tomorrow and I'm still so cheerful. There must be something wrong with the programming of my brain. Once Common Tests are over, CCA starts again and there goes the whole repeated neverending vicious cycle of CCA, tests, revision and lessons. I don't feel ready for Promo, I doubt I'll ever be ready. But when the time comes, I'll just go out there and do my best. If I can't pass, I'll just have to face reality. After all, no one said life was easy. (:

I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yesterday. It's a very nice and cute show! And Sze Wai, Johnny Depp is NOT handsome in the show. He looks kind of....freakish? That's the nicest way I can possibly put it so don't come after me. I haven't really communicated with Yenling for a while. Sorry girl but I've been tons busy lately. (: Shall have a talking-fest on the phone after the exams.

Now to make myself more positive,

Jesus houdt van me
Jesus lo ama
Jesus ama-me
Jesús me ama

I'm guessing all of you know what the above phrases all mean. Jesus Loves Me in 4 different languages. My lucky number! (: I love Jesus and he loves me too!

ROAR! (:

2005-07-27T20:09:00.000+08:00

I'm down with a sore throat, a really bad one. I sound like a frog. CROAK! My SANA bottle has officially been graffitied (in an artistic point of view) but to some, it probably looks mutilated. But to me it's really nice because dear friends wrote all over it! But it's creative (or so I think) and I think it's spottable within a 10 mile radius due to the glaring white words contrasting from the dark blue bottle.

Oh yes, have I mentioned that I'm going for ATC on Friday? At this rate, I have no idea how I'm going to participate actively. But anyway, hopefully can recover soon. Today dry practice (for NPCC) was quite OK. The whole revolver thing. Except for the part where I put the bullets in the wrong way and they got jammed in the chamber. I was like "Okay. Just knock the bullets out and shut my brain up." Then I was like stabbing at the bullets. One of the Sir was apparently staring at me because the next moment he took the revolver from me and helped me get the bullets out.

And it was a very difficult task because the bullets were kind of stuck. But I have NO idea what he did, but then the bullets came popping out of the chamber like popcorn. (: Okay, more like they dropped out? I have no idea how to describe it. But popping out sounds better. Anyway, the rest all went OK and they didn't correct me on my grip so I suppose that it was OK? I don't know, this kind of thing is rather cool though. Like arcade games! (:

Which reminds me, I should really get around to practicing Counterstrike. My brothers are forcing me to learn so that whenever they need to go to the washroom, they can dump the game to me. How KIND of them. But I'm considered quite well-educated so far. I can win some particularly tough Warcraft Games and have recently mastered Simpsons Road Rage which I'm very proud of. Since I used to always crash the cars into pedestrians and traffic lights. But I'm still deemed a "Destructive" driver but at least I've improved quite a lot! And I've even mastered part of Maple Story.

Next is my training on Gunbound and Counterstrike. Once I'm back from ATC, it's major torture for the computer. Hope my voice will soon return to normal. I hate this croaky feeling. But Jesus has blessed me tons so far. I should be a grateful little girl and not a little brat. (:

PINK!

2005-07-26T21:22:00.000+08:00

THE ORIGINAL PINK RANGER
AMY JO JOHNSON
(IN MMPR KIMBERLY HARTE)

I finally figured out how to upload pictures onto Blogger. I think I'm mentally retarded. Either that or I've permanantly lost every last bit of my brain cells. I've definitely lost most of them these few days by banging my head onto taxi doors and the ceiling at the school library. And no I'm not that tall, I mean the ceiling at the TV place, the really low one.

Oh yes, these are the pictures of the PINK RANGER. Whoever thinks that Amy Jo Johnson is some fat old flubbery woman here's the evidence. She isn't. Power of pink reign on. And I know after this post some people are going to protest. (: Sorry for this extraordinarily short post but I have tons of stuff on. I'm living NP this week and it's not a pleasant experience. In fact, it's terrible. I'm dying of sleepiness right now. But I shall be a guai girl (AGAIN), why do I even bother following the rules. Anyway, I'm going off to study NPCC notes. (:

Heritage Tour

2005-07-24T09:13:00.000+08:00

I'm so proud of my Heritage Tour group! (: We won 4th overall out of 100 teams and came in 1st for our cluster! It turned out to be a real awesome event after all so I'm grateful I went and didn't back out at the last minute! (: But I'm still disappointed that I missed Speech Day. I hope our class did well for the Fabric of CGS.

We had to go around the Central District Area to our respective checkpoints. Lim Bo Seng memorial, Asian Civilisations Musuem, Raffle's Landing Point and Clementi Fire Station. We had this street smart over-egoistic guy AKA the self-appointed leader who led us to places. It was good we had him BUT his egoisticness was really over the top. The rest of the group was kind of pissed at him when he kept bragging but our group unity was pretty awesome after all.

We climbed over the railing to the Lim Bo Seng memorial when our DEAR LEADER claimed that there was no other path to it, only to find that just a few metres away, there was an entrance. I know I shouldn't be grousing about him but seriously, couldn't he be less of an ego prat?! But it was fun in the group, running around and playing the games. The game with the feathery thingie (sepak tekraw I think) was really ridiculous. All of us played as though it was soccer and Lionel kicked it at the photographer by accident. We were laughing really hard at that one. Okay. So now it's time for church. Got to go! I love you people!

Tired

2005-07-17T20:44:00.000+08:00

I'm really tired nowadays. My days are packed to the maximum. I know part of it is my fault but seriously, I just wish for a day whereby I'm truly free. No homework to bother me, nothing to worry about and I can just do whatever I want, whatever God wants, not what the world wants. I'm feeling controlled by the world's expectations and not God's expectations. I hate this feeling, of being so trapped and unable to do so many things.

I'm being pushed beyond the point of no return and the feeling gets stronger. I'm constantly doing my best to look on the positive side of things but somehow, this feeling just gets overwhelming at times. The people around me and Jesus keeps reassuring me that they love me and I'm really grateful for all this support. I know I have this faith, loyalty and trust that I can hold onto, that will always be there for me.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way but be reassured, I'm having zero percent suicidal thoughts. (: I'm here on this Earth for a purpose and I'm going to fufil it. I'm trying to space out my schedule a bit more to give myself some room to breathe and just be me. I'm sleeping real late nowadays and suffering from serious deprivation of sleep. But I can't do anything about it. That's the thing that pressures me. I want to be able to have time to myself.

The Sec 4 ma'ams are passing out tomorrow. I feel as though I'm running away from reality. I don't want anything to change. I'm staying real positive in life and it helps. I'm happy despite the tough times I'm going through and people wonder how I do it. I think being naive, optomistic, stupid and gullible all mixed into one makes me kind of childish and oblivious sometimes. But if that is what it takes to be happy, I'm all up for it. Happiness is one thing I really treasure and I'm holding on to it and trying my best to spread the happiness I'm receiving to others. I'm being pushed past the point of no return but rest assured, I'm putting up a good fight. (: Just hear those screams and mighty punches. I'm not giving up so easily.

Complicated

2005-07-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

LOHA! (: Had a pretty good day. Not many things to blog but I'm not sure if my fingers are able to record down every last thought registered in my over-exerted brain. I just realised that the Umbrella Girls have officially invented 10 alter-egos for me. Isn't that kind and merciful of them? *scowls*

LIST OF ALTER EGOS (BY ALPS, S.W, MAYONISE, JANICE)

Maria
Boon Boon
Chor Chor
Lam Lam
Kelavinchia
Bo Chao
John Teo
Zhang JunHan
Mr Char Kway Tiao
Mr Yeo

Oh well, guess I've got to live with it! Attempting to look on the positive side of things. POP is on Monday, I DON'T WANT MA'AMS TO PASS OUT. ): This is so ironical. Last year when they joined I was like praying POP was the next day but now I'm wishing I can turn back time. I am such a terrible woman. I don't feel ready for them to go. I don't feel ready for the change. So many things in life we can't control. I hate it.

Watched First Daughter with Santhiya, Hanis and Ashma after school today. Rented the movie. not bad. (: Oh yes, have sort of made up with Yenling. On pretty good terms again. Haha. I seem to always be stuck between friendships. Someone tell me what to do. Have to get moving now. CYA PEOPLE. Love you people loads.

The Answer

2005-07-07T20:17:00.000+08:00

LIST OF UNLUCKY THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY

Laughed whilst drinking 100 plus and spit it all out onto my school skirt (before oral) The Umbrella Girls bore witness to the hilarious event. They were laughing at me for it.
Syira accidentally smacked me in the face with the rifle whilst returning it to the NP Room.
Liling accidentally kicked me whilst changing.
I accidentally banged my head onto the pad machine whilst changing.
I was daydreaming in the bus and got off 3 stops later than supposed to. Walked the distance of 4 bus stops back home because I was too stupid to take a bus back the three stops. Was extremely ehxhuasted by it.

Oh yes, have been updated on the argument between the Sec 1 and 2s. I'm pretty much neutral because I don't really see the point of this whole arguing thing. (: Or maybe I'm just a stupid little naive girl who doesn't see the harsh world out there. But seriously, what is the big deal about it all? Yeah....the Sec Ones may not greet us at times but what's the whole matter about the "not greeting" part? It's their choice, their life and if they get pumped, it's not our fault.

TO THE SEC ONES.

Also, about the whole Sec Twos being dao thing, is it really true? Okay, maybe some of the other squad mates are being dao but I don't really know about that. Yupps, but I've made an effort to greet all of you back whenever you greet me and I know my squad mates do too. Maybe sometimes they can't hear you, I mean at times you're really soft and it's hard to notice. Yupps, so try to be louder at times. We're not trying to make your lives miserable seriously. After all, if in the future we're going to work together, we might as well ALL try to get on good terms. (:

END OF MESSAGE

Oh yes Yenling, if you seriously feel that way, there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry about the whole Shoes thing but sometimes we just have to let go of things and not hold a grudge. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I respect your decision. That's all I have to say.

Sweet

2005-07-05T19:01:00.000+08:00

Happy sweet 14th birthday to myself.
Thanks to EVERYONE! (:
Who wished me happy birthday.
And to those who gave me tons of hugs.
And to those who gave me nice prezzies.
The school gave me a birthday mass run.
That's looking on the positive side. (:
I'm still me. But I no longer need to cry.
Because I've moved on.
From the past. From those hurt.
I'm going through another year of renewal.
And next year, I'm going to be much stronger.
I may cry. I may break down.
But down there, it's still me.
The girl who's always tried to be like Jesus.
Although failing at times but never giving up.
I love Jesus. He makes me special.
And today. I'm a happy girl.
I have faced a lot in this past month.
I failed my promo, I messed up here and there.
But still I'm smiling.
Because I know, he's there to catch me everytime I fall.
Thank you Jesus for everything.
THANKS EVERYONE.
FOR MAKING TODAY SPECIAL.
I LOVE YOU ALL TONS.

Tragic

2005-06-27T21:21:00.000+08:00

Well first of all, 2 sad things to publish in this entry.

My daddy gave away Shoes. I really miss her, she was my dear nu-er but sometimes we just have to let go of things. It's better for her, she gets freedom which is the best thing I can possibly give her. She was born a wild cat, she deserves to be free. And I shouldn't confine her in a flat when she's meant to be roaming out ther. Goodbye Shoes, I'll always miss you and love you. My dearest nu-er.
My auntie (blood-related one) left for Phillipines for 1 year for a teaching course. She was always defending us. Will really miss her being at birthdays, family gatherings and holiday celebrations. But at least I know she's coming back in a year!

I really miss both of them. (: They were really special in my life. Shoes made me love even more and she taught me how to let go when it's time. I LOVE YOU SHOES. I always will because you are my dearest nu-er no matter what anyone says. Anyway, things haven't been so good lately. My mummy is not happy about NPCC lately and I just don't understand her sometimes. She is really starting to disapprove of it nowadays. Like when there was the SANA Course during the holidays and we had to go to Sengkang, she was telling me, "Your CCA is terrible! How can a course be so long and it's so far from home? It's not safe there by yourself!"

Really, she puzzles me at times. Didn't go for NPCC today because of make-up piano lesson my mummy arranged. Good thing I didn't go because I had tons of theory homework. 4 pages of revision from Grade 1 to 3. I completely forgot about it. Anyway, mugged theory and rushed off for piano. Was nearly late but sprinted up 4 flights of stairs and made it on time fortunately. And my mummy commented today, "Don't you think piano lessons are so much better than NPCC? I think your CCA is a bad influence. I think it causes girls to be more barbaric while piano refines girls' characters."

I was so insulted. BARBARIC! What a comment. But I kept my mouth glued shut and didn't reply. Hmmph! Don't understand what's going on in mummy's head recently. Oh yes, now Eunice I updated so you can't say anything! (: Umbrella Girls united once more. And my chocolate obbessions are driving me insane. And I want to watch my 10 pm Television Progamme but for the sake of my sleep, I'm skipping it. And the finale is THIS WEEK. Oh yes, Bubbles is so kawaii! Her latest favourite thing to chew on is ICE! Luckily it's affordable. It's a pretty long entry so stop nagging me already arh Eunice and Sze Wai!

Sleepover!

2005-06-16T03:40:00.000+08:00

HELLO! (:

It's 3:40 am in the morning and we're still wide awake and chatting! Had a fabulous time throughout the sleepover, even though a couple of people didn't turn up. Just finished watching "Raise Your Voice", it's super! We've already watched 3 movies and are still enthusiastic to watch even more. Ah Ma Su and I are sleeping in the dear living room tonight and I want to break my record of sleeping later than 4 am!

I want to watch Cardcaptor Sakura but Ah Ma Su doesn't want to. I'm in an enthusiastic mood right now so have to find stuff to entertain me soon! (: No one's online right now. Why am I not surprised? Feeling extra hyper now and it's not the chips or apple juice we've consumed in gigantic amounts. It's the excitement running through my veins for no particular reason. Sleepovers just have that kind of effect on me I suppose.

Or maybe it's the holiday mood. The others are snoring away in slumber land while we're stuck in reality world. I'm so proud of ourselves. *grins* I'm a nice nice girl, donated my dear pillow to Ah Ma Su! I'm a filial grand daughter. Oh well, back to our hyperactive insane movie marathon! CYA people! I love this sleepover, even though it wasn't like how it was supposed to go.

Back In Action

2005-06-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

I am officially 100% BACK! (: Actually I was back on Monday but no time to post. Had tons of stuff going on. Okay, sleepover is tomorrow. Total attendance tomorrow: 12 people. I wonder how we're going to handle this whole thing. And 2 of them are kindergarten kids. We're going to be running a child care centre. I'm amazed that SOMEHOW I pulled this whole thing off, having a major combined sleepover.

I had to convince my cousins' parents, promise a gazillion stuff, plan for two million years and finally, the sleepover is TOMORROW. I hope everything goes really well. *prays* Today we went grocery shopping for the sleepover. Me plus my two brothers, Ah Ma Su and Jia Zhe. I bet the Cold Storage people thought we were nuts. Buying tons of food. Well, we have to feed 12 children tomorrow so I guess we need a LOT of food.

Basically, we had LOADS of stuff. And the bill hit an all time sky-high: $271.44 inclusive of GST. *jaw drops* Really shocking. And the stuff was really heavy. Then my dear brother didn't know that the plastic bag he was carrying contained EGGS so he conveniently dropped them. And practically all of them broke and it was gross. The egg yolk and all spilled everywhere and my mother practically exploded. "I told you to look out for the eggs and you just dropped them!" I was the one stuck disposing of the broken eggs and left a trail of egg yolk along the way.

And did Chinese Project today. I was extremely high and laughed tons of times for no reason. And the uncle at the store was so honoured to have his picture taken! I wanted his signature but the others yanked me away. MEAN. Then went to Sze Wai's house and spent forever doing the retarded proposal. My Chinese is terrible. (: I LOVE THE UMBRELLA GIRLS.

Anyway, really excited about the sleepover. Wish me tons of luck. I'm going to need it tomorrow. I just hope I can pull this entire thing off. And who knows, maybe there won't be any tears or wailing tomorrow. For now, I'm just praying.

BYEBYE

2005-06-09T22:50:00.000+08:00

My last post before I leave for Malaysia tomorrow morning! Shall be back on Monday. This weekend is my dear grandma's birthday! So many people's birthday recently! Have notes for you people, scroll down to see if your name's there!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO:
Racha (6th June)
Sheryl (9th June)
GRANDMA! (this weekend)

SISTERS!
Remember to plan out the food list for the sleepover next week. And inform me if any of you cannot sleep over. Remember my cousins are coming over so must have kid friendly activites. And my cousin's mother is coming over so there will be ADULT SUPERVISION. Anyway, I'll mostly be "in charge" of the young kids so yarh, I'm sure it'll turn out perfectly fine! (:

M&MS
People! Our Chinese Project is dying away so please turn up for the meeting next Tuesday! It will be in the afternoon, that's confirmed at Hawaii's *winks* house. I'll call you people again on Monday night to confirm the timing. By the way, it's in the afternoon because Alps and Eunice have choir. (: Okay, so if you have any questions or problems, I'll be back on Monday EVENING. Don't flood my house with phonecalls. Aligato!

PBLMATES
Will be away in Malaysia so I cannot turn up for Sunday's PBL meeting! Shall call one of you tomorrow to reschedule the meeting!

CELLULARS
Shall not be going for church on Sunday because I will be overseas. Shall miss your nonsense and crap. (:

Okay. Enough of my notes. Got to go sleep already. SHALL MISS ALL OF YOU. (:

Exhuasted

2005-06-07T18:51:00.000+08:00

Holidays is supposed to be winding down but I don't seem to be doing that at all. Instead I seem to be intent on cramming my holidays with a gazillion tasks and don't ask me why I'm doing it. It just seems like a waste to laze throughout the entire holidays! So I've got loads of stuff planned. Sleepovers (one with sistas, another with cousins), earning money with my partner-in-crime, completing all my holiday homework, spending tons of time with Bubbles, having constant movie marathons, catching up with old friends, revising all my work and basically, planning tons of stuff. Some people think I'm nuts, over exerting myself but seriously, it isn't THAT terrible!

Tomorrow I'm going to earn more money again and go to my cousin's house. Tonight mugging even more homework! Determined to complete it. I really love Bubbles and Shoes! (: Tsk, I'm truly madly deeply an animal lover and I like it that way. My mommy says I'm the only person in the house whom actually allows Bubbles to be super affectionate too! Rest of them are over hygiene conscious! I mean, what's wrong with licking? It's called affection! And Shoes....I'm the only one gutsy enough to actually carry it although sometimes it means sustaining a LOT of damage. Sze Wai, Eunice, Alpha plus my sistas should know what it means. *winks* They witnessed it before. Either that or experienced it.

Really miss my daddy. He's been in China for quite a while already. And THERESA! I LOVE YOU GIRL! You're in the same tuition class as me! *cheers wildly* So gung ho about everything right now. My mummy complains I'm being over-optomistic. Although I don't see how anyone can be over-optomistic but I'm not going to probe. Planning an outing with my fellow M & Mers. (: It's going to be majorly noisy. And I don't see why I'm so hilarious and pinchable! HMPH. Sze Wai, Alpha and Eunice think I'm ultra amusing, claiming my actions are funny. I think I'm born in the circus. And Ah Ma Su! My cheeks are going to expand if you pinch them any more! They are NOT stretchable! Okay, got to go. Have to feed Bubbles her dinner!