Saturday, September 30, 2006
This blog has been abandoned for eons, huge apologies to it. Things have been wildly hectic and let's just say I've been pretty messed up over it. Right now everything is a complete confusion but perhaps that's good you know? The truth can be so bitter and biting at times. So perhaps this oblivious mindstate is actually protecting me from a lot of hurt.
I'm not sure what I really want now, what I should do next or how to manage things. It feels though as I'm carefully treading on glass, afraid that it'll shatter and I'll have nothing underneath to catch me. I know that God's there to catch me all the time but somehow, the fear's still so existant and so real that I feel so guilty. I just keep thinking that if I have more faith in him, this fear would go away.
So I tried to keep it all together but I'm just realising that this isn't working. I don't know what to do about things, about meeting expectations. And I think one reason why I avoid Literature sometimes is because some of things in there scares me, about how it seems to reflect what I'm thinking. It's stupid really, about how cowardly I'm being about facing the truth full blast in the face. God's trying to make me move, he really is.
He's making me more active in a LOT of things and that's really an obvious sign that says, "You can't just stay stagnant here. There are so many things waiting for you to do." But I'm being a wimp and attempting to cling on to what's reliable when what he wants is for me to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things that I'm scared of. To face my fears so that he can show me how He can erase those fears, so that I can realise the magnitude of His power. But I'm scared. And that's keeping me in this state.
no tears in heaven; remember that
Sunday, August 27, 2006
How can these phrases so accurately express what I'm thinking?
You are the centre of it all,
The universe declares in awe
Your majesty
I surrender all
I make you
The centre of my life Lord,
I respond with all I am
you placed in me the song
Of heavens melody
Your Majesty I live to sing Your song
I've made this commitment to Catwalk His Way, to be a testimonial to the world of Jesus's amazing power and grace. I want to be a light that lights up the darkness, to bring more people to know Him. I don't want to wait until He comes back and I see the people I love suffering then regret that I never made the effort. The last days are going to be filled with fear and tragedy. I don't want to be caught by surprise, I want to be ready for his coming back so that when He descends from the heavens, I can say proudly, "I know who you are."
I have been so tired of things lately and today was a real spiritual refreshment for me. It encouraged me to make a difference in my Christian life starting from today and I'm going to make the effort. I need to buck up on studies because I need to be an example. I have to continue to diligently keep the school rules because that's what being an example is. The world might rebuke you, thinking of you as the goody-two-shoes in the corner but they don't matter. What matters is that what you're doing is pleasing in the eyes of God.
Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. We will face persecution from the world and discrimination but to suffer for God's name, it should be an honour to us. If we truly love Him, then we wouldn't feel the pain. After all, love will give us the courage and strength. I don't want to go along with the flow anymore. I want to change, to be someone God's proud of.
I love you God.
no tears in heaven; remember that
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Superwoman Andrea hits the keyboard! This week has been a fantastic week despite failing Maths terribly and getting two pretty bruises on my legs. My walk with God has been tested and really improved ever since we took over because the task has been pressurising and caused me to rely a whole lot more on God because I realise I need the courage from him to carry this responsibility. God has been doing a lot of wonders in my life recently and it's motivated me to keep pressing on in life, because with Him around, everything's possible!
Despite having survived on 3 hours of sleep on average this week, I've been amazingly alert in classes and that's really a miracle, thank God for the strength. (: Still have a lot of Math to accomplish now but somehow I feel real motivated to complete it! This week, I've learnt to rely more on His strength instead of mine. With so many things increasingly being piled on, I've realised how limited I am and how much I cannot cope by myself. It's led me to trust Him, to believe that He'll help me to pull through. Now THAT'S faith.
But thank you God for this test, every second is worth it.
I feel as though He's close to me like this, when everyone in my family is sleep and I'm the only one up. A music video playing softly in the background, books sprawled around the table with worksheets in respective piles. Ice Berry (my soft toy) snuggled in my lap as I cross my legs, it feels so right. (: It feels as though He's peeking over my shoulder, watching my every moment and offering comfort as I attempt to finish drawing graphs. It's just a moment that strikes me now, something so usual yet...perfect? I'm not sure but it comes off to me as a presence of God, like a Father protecting his daughter.
no tears in heaven; remember that
Sunday, July 09, 2006
This life is worth living. My newest quote of motivation, one that keeps me going. No matter how tired I am, how frustrated I get, how stressed the world makes me, it's all worth it. Because I'm not living this life for me, it's to be a living testimony for Him. And that makes it worthwhile.
no tears in heaven; remember that
Saturday, June 24, 2006
The ghost of karma has left a trail behind. I was gleefully planning to pon SYF on Friday due to my conscience being killed my tiredness caused by consecutive camps and I should have known better because karma got back on me on Friday with an ugly bout of flu. ): I'm sorry God, please forgive me and take it away?
It's terribly hard trying to do Math while your mind is all fogged up with heat and there's this itchy scratchy feeling in the back of your throat you're trying to control and your eyes keep wanting to flutter shut into a much-needed rest. Instead you're pushing your body beyond its limits, plodding on quietly and painfully with holiday homework, feeling the ache in your muscles and the resistance you're facing mentally.
Why must it be so hard to get holiday homework done? And where have the holidays gone? I've been at camp after camp, SYF, speech trainings, short holidays and that has left me with less than 4 days to complete the entire month worth of holiday homework. How optimistic that sounds. So keep me in prayer will you and wish this karma away. (:
no tears in heaven; remember that
Thursday, June 15, 2006
NCOPC starts tomorrow and I'm being brutally frank here, I do not want to go at all. Seriously, I'm just being so pessimistic about it although I have repeatedly tried to convince myself that it won't be so bad. And Mdm Lim is probably going to execute me on the spot after Mrs Rupa talks to her about Speech Training. Have I told you I really don't like talking to teachers because they have these double edged daggers hidden within them, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I know it was kind of last minute when I decided TODAY (oh shoot me) that I wanted to go for the Speech Training, which will cut into NP sessions but it was only after the session that I realised this was something I WANTED to do, something I can really put my heart into. Because this is something I'm actually decent at, that I have somewhat confidence at doing well, so I should be more committed to it.
Perhaps I'll be scolded upside down and inside out for this but I won't regret giving it a shot because...it's something I really value. But I suppose teachers will never understand will they? They'll just call me last minute and irresponsible, fickle-minded and so on. But who cares? I don't value their opinion much anyway. (:
no tears in heaven; remember that
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Another big commitment coming in, which is speech training. I suppose it's good news, meaning God is utilizing me for his purpose. (: That alone makes me feel real honoured. Have been a lot more realistic towards my life lately and the feeling is unexplainable, somewhat otherworldly. I've come to really understand how trivial life can be and how happiness isn't measured by the amount of money you have, the accomplishments you make or how many friends you have.
Popularity is something I used to think was a glamarous affair and I envied those who seemed to bask in the limelight, knowing I wasn't those kind of individualistic personalities. But now, I don't envy those people anymore because for the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely happy with what I have now.
Steadfast, loyal friends who stand by me when I'm down. A great, loving God who I can always rely on in all circumstances. A great family that is very supportive and as dramatic and humorous as a soap opera cum comedy, having the most hilarious family vacations that occasionally involve outrageously expensive cab fares due to our tendency to go off-track. With so many blessings, what more can I ask for?
I will never be good in NPCC, that I confess. Don't give me false hope like, "You can do it next time." or "I'm sure you'll pass." It's not giving up on NPCC, I've just come to accept it for what it is and simply treasure what memories I build with it.There's a huge difference between giving up and acceptance. But to get on with life we need to accept such critical facts and I just have. It's made me feel a lot better, that I can proudly confess to the world, "I'm not good in NPCC but that doesn't make it love it any less." Who says you need to be good in something for you to love it? (:
But it has been a really good week and my parent's cold war soap opera has just ended (thank you God!) and things are back to its normal light hearted mood, which is simply delightful. And my entries are nowhere near a "complicated mass of incomprehensible, difficult English", it's not that tough to understand, is it?
no tears in heaven; remember that
